In the last month or so I've learnt some valuable lessons,
one of which is that "there is teamwork in grieving". As an
individual I can cry in my corner, in the comfort of my privacy, but as a
unit/group/family I can't afford to excessively be seen to be weak/breaking
down because my dad/family draws strength from me/us. When he sees me
weak/breaking down he gets weak too, I know this because he has said this many
times & I believe him. The morning we were walking to the clinic after
being called to rush there, something which had never happened before since my mom's admissions about 3 months before, I was weak, my knees were failing me, it's almost as if i knew that something bad was about to happen, my dad
insisted we walk there much as I wanted us to drive. As we walked there, I was
fighting tears as I feared the inevitable, & he said to me, "be
strong, whatever comes", I had sunglasses on, fighting tears, I said to
him "whatever God has in store for us, we'll fight through it". I'm not
sure I've meant most of the words I said to my dad, but I know I needed
to say them because he draws strength from me much as I draw strength from
seeing him surviving, keeping on & being strong. IT IS A TEAM EFFORT. When
we entered the clinic & were waiting for the nurses to let us in, dad said
to me "Please don't shout or collapse", no one had told us anything yet,
but I think at this point we both almost knew what we were in for much as we
prayed hard against it & I knew what he meant when he said please don't
collapse. I've been on autopilot ever since. I've also understood my purpose as a
first born in the family, especially on this day when God simply chose that I
be there with my dad when this happened, my sisters had left the day before
& somehow, God also chose my friend Busi to be there with me/us (story for another day/blogpost), I've replayed
this over & over.............. On the day of the memorial, my dad said to
me "my strength comes from u", again I knew what he meant, on the day
of the funeral he said the same thing. I've learnt the art of finding the right
time to cry, not that it is always possible to postpone the tears, but when u
can fight them, u do so, for the good of the unit. Truth be told, u can't cry
all the time, u may feel like doing so all the time, but life has to go on
& u have to find that balance even when grieving. I know people will normally
say, let it out, cry when you feel like, you can't keep it bottled up inside,
in practice, u really can NOT cry all the time, I'm not saying u should not cry, I'm
saying it is NOT practical to do so all the time. I am a daughter, mother,
sister, wife, employee etc, I have to stay functional, I've to make my dad
believe that indeed we will be alright, if that is the one thing that keeps him
going & keeps him sane. I crack jokes, I laugh, I take photos, lots of photos, I do anything necessary to lift the others one up, for the sake of the unit.
Somehow this post made sense in my head, now I'm not sure where it is
going. That said, "there is teamwork in grieving"............
