Living far from family, the reality of it, Life choices

Not many people have to deal with this reality but some of us have always had to do it. I live in Swaziland, my parents live in Lesotho, my father's family in Tanzania, my mother's family in Malaysia. So whichever way you decide to turn the coin, there is family that we are living far away from. This kind of setup makes any goodbye scenario very difficult at any given point in time because that may very well be the last time you see that loved one and if it is not the last, they'll be lucky if they see you within the next 3 years. The goodbyes in Malaysia are always the hardest coz it normally takes years to go back there. I've been to Malaysia 5 times if i recall correctly, in 1996, 1999, 2003, 2012, 2014, actually make that 6 times, if we can count the time while i was still a baby back in 1982. Now imagine the gap between 1982 - 1996, when we went to Malaysia in 1996 for the first time, they had last seen me as a baby, suddenly my mom comes with 2 more kids & they naturally thought my youngest sister was me. My mom had lived away from home for 14 years before she went for her first visit. 

On the other hand, we've been able to visit Tanzania more frequently, not enough but at least more frequently than Malaysia, of course because it is closer hence not as costly as going to Malaysia. Living away from family means that if you will one day receive a late night call and see the foreign number from either countries, u know something has gone wrong, actually not wrong, there is just death involved. So u're always praying not to receive such calls. Thankfully we now have social media, and one won't understand the value of these unless they have lived far from family, have schooled or worked somewhere other than the place of residence, or have traveled a bit and the only way to link with those in the other circles is through social networks. I chat frequently with my parents on fb, whatsapp etc, my youngest sister saw my baby for the first time through skype, she couldn't travel to come and see us until about 3 months later. 

My parents now live in Lesotho which is some 650kms away from where i live, so that is some good 7hours drive. I suppose they're still closer than if they were say in Tanzania where one would require a flight ticket. The reality is, when you are me, you don't get to say things like "i'll pass by my parents' house on my way from work just to say hi", there is no parents house, well not anywhere close, To get to parents' house, clear logistics have to be arranged. You don't get to go home for time out, for that home cooked meal, for that quick chat with mummy or daddy. Ok this was supposed to be sharing of experience but suddenly its turning into a sad affair. Mmmmmmmhhhh. 

When i had my babies i had no mummy around to do the normal motherly things (God knows what those are), just as when she gave birth to all her kids, she had no mother around to see her through. I suppose naturally you learn to be strong and survive within the circle you live in. My parents have learnt to live through the news of death of loved ones. You can't always be able to attend all the funerals either due to financial constraints or work issues (getting days off). Even if you can, you probably won't make it before burial. Even if you have the means, sometimes circumstances will not permit you to go, you then have to weigh the cost of going against the time you will be able to spend there. My mother couldn't bury my grandmother (her mother) when she died, because she died around exam time at her workplace (my mom's a lecturer), she had to finalize marking the exams and submitting results then supplementary exams as well, if she had forced her way and travelled to attend the burial, she wd've had to probably return within a week. She only managed to go home a few weeks later and spent a month. Truth of the matter is, this is a very dull consequence of our very own life choices. We chose to live far from our parents, well, when we were making the choices we didn't think this wd be the consequence. You think u're falling in love, living the dream only to find you've settled yourself in foreign land, a land far away from home. Life choices for you.

The holidays are coming up, those are normally the painful reminder once again of the life choices one made. My parents naturally will always travel to Tanzania or Malaysia for the holidays, i've travelled there too a couple of times, but not always, at least being able to travel to either Tanzania or Malaysia for Xmas has granted me that luxury of spending Xmas & New years with my parents. The years i've been unable to travel, like this year, well, that means i won't be with them, neither will i be with my sisters. 

Living far from my parents and sisters has taught me to appreciate every second i have with them, appreciate their presence, make every moment count, make special memories, share special holidays, acquire wisdom from them, take lots of photos, anything to make the memories sweeter. Next time you complain about how far your home is, referring to a place that is probably 30kms from where you stay, note that some of us do not have the luxury of having our parental homes so close to us. Our support system is made up of the loved ones we live with & the few reliable friends we have. By God's grace........... Be grateful...................

When you are made to feel worthless in the workplace.................... MyTestimony

I need to give a testimony, the meeting I just came from brought this back to me. Last year this time I was a mess, was torn, I was simply emotional, last year this time, my poor friends had to put up with me always in tears, always whining, always complaining about what the next day held for me, last year this time, I wanted to quit my job, I wanted to go home and just sit and do nothing coz that woud have been far better than going to work and experience another day there. Last year this time I was told I was INCOMPETENT, not once, not twice, many times, and I was beginning to feel incompetent. I had worked at that job for some 5 years, on the 5th year, I was told I was INCOMPETENT, yes it got to a point where, all you had to ask me was "how was work" and tears would flow from me, it got to a point where I couldn't call my parents anymore because I would fear that dreaded question from my dad "how was work" and I wouldn't be able to fake my emotions from him and yet I didn't want to worry them, it got to a point where my husband, agreed to my suggestion that I should quit work, he is the one who called my parents to break the news that Kwesi doesn't want to speak to you because she is a wreck, and the response from my father was, "if you are not happy at work, just leave, you will find another job", and quit I did..........................

Fast forward to today, today I was sitting in a meeting at head office, where a previous audit report was being discussed with some stakeholders some who I don't know, anyway, as our part concluded and my GM and I were standing up to excuse ourselves from the meeting, the Internal auditor requested to speak, he commended the recruitment of the current accountant who according to him has and is visibly turning around the department from what he knows it to be, he commended the great work he has witnessed, bla bla bla bla, then external auditor too agreed with internal auditor and gave his testimony, then my GM too put in a few words agreeing with previous 2 speakers, then the MD, by the way the MD is the one who heads the head office, alluded to the changes he has seen etc etc etc, the MD who does not even work with me to see what I try to do........... The irony of all this was that, the person chairing the meeting knows me, knows what hell I went thru in my previous job, I am imagining how proud he felt of me at that point much as he could not declare anything............ I cannot describe how I feel right now, no amount of money can bring that feeling of acknowledgement that I feel right now, When God shows up He indeed shows off........... I am beyond content at this point, right here, right now, I am truly happy. ‪#‎MyTestimony

I can't go to gym, I don't have the time..........

What is the most common excuse you have heard regarding not being able to go to the gym or take up morning runs? Funny enough I hardly ever hear people complain about the cost of signing up for gym membership. It is always only about “I do not have the time”. Most people I know always say 

I can't do mornings

My schedule is too tight,

I am too busy,

I have too many things to do after work

I am a wife, I have to cook

I am a mother, I have to help with homework

Etc etc etc

While I do not dispute all these valid reasons, the truth is, people who go to gym all do actually have tight schedules, but they sacrifice a bit of time for gym. I also do not dispute that in some exceptional cases, some people do have very tight schedules perhaps in relation to work. As for the rest I believe where there is a will, a way surely can be found. Gym takes sacrifice, you need to sacrifice an hour within your day to be able to attend to your body. If you can find time to go for tea with the girls after work, surely you can find time to go to the gym, if you can find time to pass by the grocery store after the gym, surely you can find time to go to the gym, if you can find time to rush home and sit in front of the tv and stare at your tv, surely you can find time to go to the gym, of course this can only happen “if you want to attend gym”…………….. 

Personally, if I do not want to go to gym, I can come up with a thousand believable excuses, and yes I can be very busy when I want to, half the time when I am not at the gym, I’m probably at home sitting in front of my tv, eating ice cream. Yes I have chores too, cooking, running after my toddler, But 30 minutes in the gym, surely cannot hinder me from being able to do all that. It is almost like running, you can never put a runner down, if a runner wants to run, a runner will run. A runner will delay departure time of a trip just so he/she can squeeze a morning run before the trip is undertaken. A runner would rather postpone weekend travel to Saturday instead of Friday evening, just so he/she can fit in a long run before travel takes place. Runners have a bit of “crazy”or “cuckooness” in them, you can hardly ever put a runner down, the truth is “where there is a will, there is a way”.  Sacrifice is the name of the game. Surprisingly  some of us who've done this for a while also do come up with excuses every now and then, the most recent one i can think of is normally in relation to the rain, whereby when you wake up and hear tiny drops of drizzle, you quickly tell yourself you're not going for a run because it is raining, when deep down you know that it is hardly raining outside, but since it works in your favour to tell your conscience that you cannot run, you come up with that very convenient excuse. 

When I started gym, some 10 years ago, I used to go twice a day, mornings and evenings, I had no responsibilities then, well I did have curfew at home, so after work I would rush to gym, squeeze in some 40 minutes of training then speed home to cook for my parents in time for my curfew. Now I am a mother and a wife, and I run too, back then I didn’t run, the running has sort of made me lazy in the sense that, I feel there is no need to go to gym because I run, which I believe is a wrong mentality. I almost always have to really force myself to go to the gym nowadays, I suppose I too have that common syndrome of having the “I do not have time” excuse. I prepare my gym bag every day when I go to work, with the intention that after work the trip to the gym shall happen. It does not always happen, however I do try to attend, believe me its not easy, it was easier 10 years ago, the only motivating thing right now is that I’m wiser and hence I know the benefits of gym. 

Unfortunately in our adult life, gym/training is necessary for our wellbeing mentally, physically, emotionally. There is a therapeutic/healing effect that gym/ training provides that is simply priceless. Work can be exhausting, family life can be demanding, life in general can put pressure on you as a person, gym helps you distress from all pressures, known and unknown, gym is not for weight loss only, gym takes effort, gym is for your health, your fitness your wellness, your emotional wellbeing, it is a necessity. If you do not take care of your body, no one else will. 

“You only get one body; it is the temple of your soul. Even God is willing to dwell there. If you truly treat your body like a temple, it will serve you well for decades. If you abuse it you must be prepared for poor health and a lack of energy.”  ― Oli Hille, Creating the Perfect Lifestyle

And it suddenly hit me...........

This morning as I was taking care of my breakfast needs I realized something which one can easily take for granted. On my way to work i stopped by some street vendors to buy me some avocados, I bought 3 to be exact, i thought they cost more than they actually did, only to find they were much much less, anyway, there was to be about 6 bucks change then I decided let me buy peanuts which were sitting there looking very miserable, they cost 2 bucks each, so I took 3 packets. You should have seen the expression on the woman's face when I bought all that stuff, yes 20 bucks worth of stuff, its like she had hit a jackpot.

It suddenly hit me, while I am worrying about what I think are big problems, she is just wanting to sell her merchandise so she can put food on her table and probably her kids and grandkids etc. She even gave me a sweet as a bonus for me, yes she happily gave me a sweet, a sweet which I cldn't care less for, I threw it somewhere in my car where I am sure my son will find and will probably be very excited for.

Let us try and be thankful for what we have, someone out there wants that job you have, or the life you have, or simply the most basic things in life. I am blessed, truly blessed, I thank God.

End of year bonus- Should you????

Its that time of year again, while the stores are running specials and sales, others have already received their "13th cheques" or "bonus" whichever word you use for it. Then I find myself wondering once again, how much should I give my helper as a bonus, Can i afford to give my helper a bonus? Are you planning to give your helper a bonus? Is your helper's bonus dependent on whether or not you receive a bonus from your work place? Should her bonus (if there is one) be dependent on you receiving yours from your employer. If you do give your helper a bonus, is it a full 13th cheque or just a percentage? Is it realistic to give your helper a bonus, does she deserve it, is the bonus performance based? Should your helper not be rewarded for great work just because you have not received a bonus from your work place. 

Do you know that E200.00 which could be meaningless to you would mean a whole lot to your helper, chances are that E200.00 is on average 25% of your helper's salary, so while you are beating your employer up for not giving you at least 25% bonus or a full 13th cheque, your helper's day could be made by a mere E200 from you. Does it really make sense to not give your helper at least 25% bonus as Christmas bonus, of course you could give her more, I'm just making an example with the 25%. Lets put things into perspective, your helper, regardless of her performance, is the one you leave your home, belongings and children with. She is the one in charge of everything in your home during the 8 hours you are in your place of work, and any extra hours you decide to be away from home thereafter. 

Others say they prefer giving bonus in January when its school fees time, to avoid helpers not returning for duty after Xmas break, I suppose that is fair. I for one am a victim of that, 2 years ago I gave my helper a bonus, it was my first time giving a bonus, well I guess she was my first full time helper i ever had, I gave her 2 weeks break and a bonus after only having worked for me some 4 months, yap she never returned for duty. She never mentioned that she won't come back, I realised on the day she was supposed to return for duty, which was day before i was supposed to return for duty, that she is not coming back. Should i have then held this against my next helper?? Would it be fair to do that???? #FoodForThought

I always find it awkward when a person says I won't give my helper a bonus because my employer is not giving me a bonus, I do not see how the 2 are related. While I understand issues of affordability and value for money, I always try not to lose focus of the fact that, my helper, though never perfect, is the custodian of my child at this very moment as I write this. Now that ought to be worth something. While I would like to afford more things in December which my employer may or may not reward me for, I want to believe that by making Christmas merrier for my helper, by that act of giving her at the very least E200 over and above her salary, I might just trigger some shower of blessings on myself now or in future. That by getting her that clothing gift voucher from jet, I wd've made a great xmas for not only her, but for her kids too who she probably will be spending all or most of her money on. Think about it, lets not make it be only about us, sometimes you don't need to give much to make a difference, E200 for my helper I believe is 2 return trips to her home, yes all that is just bus fare. Let us try not make it too much about us, but more on the spirit of giving side, heck you can make it E100 if you think E200 is too much, if I have my way, I will give her more, I am planning to give her more, I'm not sure where I will get that money from, but if I have to forgo my gym subscription for the month of December just so I make her Christmas merrier, that is what I will do. 

Motherhood

So I'm a first time mummy, meaning before September 2013, I was basically clueless about anything & everything that had to do with babies, not that I'm an expert now, but I suppose the quote "experience is the best teacher" would be relevant. Thank God for the internet & useful friends who tirelessly offer information, although some of it useless at times. But when u r inexperienced, u can't pick what information is given to u, u listen to everything, appear appreciative, & do that which u can. Let's face it, u can't apply all the information that is shared with u, if u're a mature adult, u will pick that which suits u and is within your economic means.

One precious thing I learnt through becoming a mother was the value & quality of friendships I have. I've said before that the is "growth" in realizing the types of friends you have around you and the value they add in ur life. As you grow, some friendships go stale and lose relevance, its not a train smash, u move on. As u move, u acquire new friendships that r relevant to ur current situation in life. Life goes on really.

One very valuable piece of advice I received from one very valuable friend was that, at some point, it will all feel overwhelming, after the fatigue kicks in from the sleepless nights, suddenly u can't take a bath when u want to take a bath, u can't eat when u want to eat coz baby is crying all the time, u'll be moody and probably not even easy to talk to. This friend said to me, it is ok to ask for help, it is ok to request time out, sometimes u will just need to get fresh air then u'll be fine after that. Don't be afraid to say u're overwhelmed and u need help. To this day I ask myself how do mothers without full time nannies cope??? I am not a super woman, I don't even want to claim to be one, but I have witnessed the value of having a full time nanny in my home. My sanity was restored, to date & much as she earns for the work she does, I don't think u can put a price on the sanity those people restore to us their bosses.

Patience is the one thing motherhood hasn't taught me, ya I'm still same old impatient Kwesi. I used to hear the myth that motherhood will teach me patience, well it hasn't happened yet, so that is a lie, so far. Then there was the myth that once I have a baby I will not be able to continue with sports, that too is a lie, I think it is a matter of having support from the people around u & u putting ur mind on it. If you don't want it, it won't happen, I made it happen & it happened. I suppose the negativity contributed to my determination to make it happen. Then I was also told that once you become a mother, you will lose the body you have because you'll get fat, yes I got fat, but now I'm back to the size I was before I had the baby. So again, they lied.

The one precious thing I learnt was that, no matter how inexperienced you are about babies, once you have your own, you will have the interest in knowing about your baby. You will learn how to change those diapers, how to feed him, burp him etc

Mummy Diaries

Motherhood is the one journey that has kept me consistently fulfilled, curious and enlightened. Everyday I am learning, everyday I discover new things, everyday I discover that God is simply amazing. Discovering how much this child basically copies everything u do. From taking the deodorant container and rubbing it against his armpit when he is fully clothed, to taking a cellphone or sometimes a remote and putting it against his ear and talking, from taking the gate/car remote and pressing it while standing at the door while observing exactly what happens when u press a button, to pressing the TV/Decoder remote while looking at the TV and wondering what will happen when he presses, from running to the microwave as soon as it makes that sound that signals that it has finished reheating, so he can press the open button, to putting the car key on ignition as soon as he gets hold of it, to wanting to use cutlery when he attempts to eat meat. Yesterday I received a call on my landline, I hardly use my landline by the way, anyway, I was on the call for hardly 2 minutes, then I put down the phone and went to the bedroom, when I returned, my son had gotten hold of the receiver of the landline, and was pretending to be on a call while calmly chilling on the couch, I found this quite hilarious.

Motherhood, an exciting journey this, a journey I am yet to learn plenty from, a journey I am grateful to God for having blessed me with. Hi, my name is Nyakwesi Keregero Motsa, I am a mother of a 24months old, yes, we are almost 2 years old, just some 2 weeks left.