When you are made to feel worthless in the workplace.................... MyTestimony

I need to give a testimony, the meeting I just came from brought this back to me. Last year this time I was a mess, was torn, I was simply emotional, last year this time, my poor friends had to put up with me always in tears, always whining, always complaining about what the next day held for me, last year this time, I wanted to quit my job, I wanted to go home and just sit and do nothing coz that woud have been far better than going to work and experience another day there. Last year this time I was told I was INCOMPETENT, not once, not twice, many times, and I was beginning to feel incompetent. I had worked at that job for some 5 years, on the 5th year, I was told I was INCOMPETENT, yes it got to a point where, all you had to ask me was "how was work" and tears would flow from me, it got to a point where I couldn't call my parents anymore because I would fear that dreaded question from my dad "how was work" and I wouldn't be able to fake my emotions from him and yet I didn't want to worry them, it got to a point where my husband, agreed to my suggestion that I should quit work, he is the one who called my parents to break the news that Kwesi doesn't want to speak to you because she is a wreck, and the response from my father was, "if you are not happy at work, just leave, you will find another job", and quit I did..........................

Fast forward to today, today I was sitting in a meeting at head office, where a previous audit report was being discussed with some stakeholders some who I don't know, anyway, as our part concluded and my GM and I were standing up to excuse ourselves from the meeting, the Internal auditor requested to speak, he commended the recruitment of the current accountant who according to him has and is visibly turning around the department from what he knows it to be, he commended the great work he has witnessed, bla bla bla bla, then external auditor too agreed with internal auditor and gave his testimony, then my GM too put in a few words agreeing with previous 2 speakers, then the MD, by the way the MD is the one who heads the head office, alluded to the changes he has seen etc etc etc, the MD who does not even work with me to see what I try to do........... The irony of all this was that, the person chairing the meeting knows me, knows what hell I went thru in my previous job, I am imagining how proud he felt of me at that point much as he could not declare anything............ I cannot describe how I feel right now, no amount of money can bring that feeling of acknowledgement that I feel right now, When God shows up He indeed shows off........... I am beyond content at this point, right here, right now, I am truly happy. ‪#‎MyTestimony

I can't go to gym, I don't have the time..........

What is the most common excuse you have heard regarding not being able to go to the gym or take up morning runs? Funny enough I hardly ever hear people complain about the cost of signing up for gym membership. It is always only about “I do not have the time”. Most people I know always say 

I can't do mornings

My schedule is too tight,

I am too busy,

I have too many things to do after work

I am a wife, I have to cook

I am a mother, I have to help with homework

Etc etc etc

While I do not dispute all these valid reasons, the truth is, people who go to gym all do actually have tight schedules, but they sacrifice a bit of time for gym. I also do not dispute that in some exceptional cases, some people do have very tight schedules perhaps in relation to work. As for the rest I believe where there is a will, a way surely can be found. Gym takes sacrifice, you need to sacrifice an hour within your day to be able to attend to your body. If you can find time to go for tea with the girls after work, surely you can find time to go to the gym, if you can find time to pass by the grocery store after the gym, surely you can find time to go to the gym, if you can find time to rush home and sit in front of the tv and stare at your tv, surely you can find time to go to the gym, of course this can only happen “if you want to attend gym”…………….. 

Personally, if I do not want to go to gym, I can come up with a thousand believable excuses, and yes I can be very busy when I want to, half the time when I am not at the gym, I’m probably at home sitting in front of my tv, eating ice cream. Yes I have chores too, cooking, running after my toddler, But 30 minutes in the gym, surely cannot hinder me from being able to do all that. It is almost like running, you can never put a runner down, if a runner wants to run, a runner will run. A runner will delay departure time of a trip just so he/she can squeeze a morning run before the trip is undertaken. A runner would rather postpone weekend travel to Saturday instead of Friday evening, just so he/she can fit in a long run before travel takes place. Runners have a bit of “crazy”or “cuckooness” in them, you can hardly ever put a runner down, the truth is “where there is a will, there is a way”.  Sacrifice is the name of the game. Surprisingly  some of us who've done this for a while also do come up with excuses every now and then, the most recent one i can think of is normally in relation to the rain, whereby when you wake up and hear tiny drops of drizzle, you quickly tell yourself you're not going for a run because it is raining, when deep down you know that it is hardly raining outside, but since it works in your favour to tell your conscience that you cannot run, you come up with that very convenient excuse. 

When I started gym, some 10 years ago, I used to go twice a day, mornings and evenings, I had no responsibilities then, well I did have curfew at home, so after work I would rush to gym, squeeze in some 40 minutes of training then speed home to cook for my parents in time for my curfew. Now I am a mother and a wife, and I run too, back then I didn’t run, the running has sort of made me lazy in the sense that, I feel there is no need to go to gym because I run, which I believe is a wrong mentality. I almost always have to really force myself to go to the gym nowadays, I suppose I too have that common syndrome of having the “I do not have time” excuse. I prepare my gym bag every day when I go to work, with the intention that after work the trip to the gym shall happen. It does not always happen, however I do try to attend, believe me its not easy, it was easier 10 years ago, the only motivating thing right now is that I’m wiser and hence I know the benefits of gym. 

Unfortunately in our adult life, gym/training is necessary for our wellbeing mentally, physically, emotionally. There is a therapeutic/healing effect that gym/ training provides that is simply priceless. Work can be exhausting, family life can be demanding, life in general can put pressure on you as a person, gym helps you distress from all pressures, known and unknown, gym is not for weight loss only, gym takes effort, gym is for your health, your fitness your wellness, your emotional wellbeing, it is a necessity. If you do not take care of your body, no one else will. 

“You only get one body; it is the temple of your soul. Even God is willing to dwell there. If you truly treat your body like a temple, it will serve you well for decades. If you abuse it you must be prepared for poor health and a lack of energy.”  ― Oli Hille, Creating the Perfect Lifestyle

And it suddenly hit me...........

This morning as I was taking care of my breakfast needs I realized something which one can easily take for granted. On my way to work i stopped by some street vendors to buy me some avocados, I bought 3 to be exact, i thought they cost more than they actually did, only to find they were much much less, anyway, there was to be about 6 bucks change then I decided let me buy peanuts which were sitting there looking very miserable, they cost 2 bucks each, so I took 3 packets. You should have seen the expression on the woman's face when I bought all that stuff, yes 20 bucks worth of stuff, its like she had hit a jackpot.

It suddenly hit me, while I am worrying about what I think are big problems, she is just wanting to sell her merchandise so she can put food on her table and probably her kids and grandkids etc. She even gave me a sweet as a bonus for me, yes she happily gave me a sweet, a sweet which I cldn't care less for, I threw it somewhere in my car where I am sure my son will find and will probably be very excited for.

Let us try and be thankful for what we have, someone out there wants that job you have, or the life you have, or simply the most basic things in life. I am blessed, truly blessed, I thank God.

End of year bonus- Should you????

Its that time of year again, while the stores are running specials and sales, others have already received their "13th cheques" or "bonus" whichever word you use for it. Then I find myself wondering once again, how much should I give my helper as a bonus, Can i afford to give my helper a bonus? Are you planning to give your helper a bonus? Is your helper's bonus dependent on whether or not you receive a bonus from your work place? Should her bonus (if there is one) be dependent on you receiving yours from your employer. If you do give your helper a bonus, is it a full 13th cheque or just a percentage? Is it realistic to give your helper a bonus, does she deserve it, is the bonus performance based? Should your helper not be rewarded for great work just because you have not received a bonus from your work place. 

Do you know that E200.00 which could be meaningless to you would mean a whole lot to your helper, chances are that E200.00 is on average 25% of your helper's salary, so while you are beating your employer up for not giving you at least 25% bonus or a full 13th cheque, your helper's day could be made by a mere E200 from you. Does it really make sense to not give your helper at least 25% bonus as Christmas bonus, of course you could give her more, I'm just making an example with the 25%. Lets put things into perspective, your helper, regardless of her performance, is the one you leave your home, belongings and children with. She is the one in charge of everything in your home during the 8 hours you are in your place of work, and any extra hours you decide to be away from home thereafter. 

Others say they prefer giving bonus in January when its school fees time, to avoid helpers not returning for duty after Xmas break, I suppose that is fair. I for one am a victim of that, 2 years ago I gave my helper a bonus, it was my first time giving a bonus, well I guess she was my first full time helper i ever had, I gave her 2 weeks break and a bonus after only having worked for me some 4 months, yap she never returned for duty. She never mentioned that she won't come back, I realised on the day she was supposed to return for duty, which was day before i was supposed to return for duty, that she is not coming back. Should i have then held this against my next helper?? Would it be fair to do that???? #FoodForThought

I always find it awkward when a person says I won't give my helper a bonus because my employer is not giving me a bonus, I do not see how the 2 are related. While I understand issues of affordability and value for money, I always try not to lose focus of the fact that, my helper, though never perfect, is the custodian of my child at this very moment as I write this. Now that ought to be worth something. While I would like to afford more things in December which my employer may or may not reward me for, I want to believe that by making Christmas merrier for my helper, by that act of giving her at the very least E200 over and above her salary, I might just trigger some shower of blessings on myself now or in future. That by getting her that clothing gift voucher from jet, I wd've made a great xmas for not only her, but for her kids too who she probably will be spending all or most of her money on. Think about it, lets not make it be only about us, sometimes you don't need to give much to make a difference, E200 for my helper I believe is 2 return trips to her home, yes all that is just bus fare. Let us try not make it too much about us, but more on the spirit of giving side, heck you can make it E100 if you think E200 is too much, if I have my way, I will give her more, I am planning to give her more, I'm not sure where I will get that money from, but if I have to forgo my gym subscription for the month of December just so I make her Christmas merrier, that is what I will do. 

Motherhood

So I'm a first time mummy, meaning before September 2013, I was basically clueless about anything & everything that had to do with babies, not that I'm an expert now, but I suppose the quote "experience is the best teacher" would be relevant. Thank God for the internet & useful friends who tirelessly offer information, although some of it useless at times. But when u r inexperienced, u can't pick what information is given to u, u listen to everything, appear appreciative, & do that which u can. Let's face it, u can't apply all the information that is shared with u, if u're a mature adult, u will pick that which suits u and is within your economic means.

One precious thing I learnt through becoming a mother was the value & quality of friendships I have. I've said before that the is "growth" in realizing the types of friends you have around you and the value they add in ur life. As you grow, some friendships go stale and lose relevance, its not a train smash, u move on. As u move, u acquire new friendships that r relevant to ur current situation in life. Life goes on really.

One very valuable piece of advice I received from one very valuable friend was that, at some point, it will all feel overwhelming, after the fatigue kicks in from the sleepless nights, suddenly u can't take a bath when u want to take a bath, u can't eat when u want to eat coz baby is crying all the time, u'll be moody and probably not even easy to talk to. This friend said to me, it is ok to ask for help, it is ok to request time out, sometimes u will just need to get fresh air then u'll be fine after that. Don't be afraid to say u're overwhelmed and u need help. To this day I ask myself how do mothers without full time nannies cope??? I am not a super woman, I don't even want to claim to be one, but I have witnessed the value of having a full time nanny in my home. My sanity was restored, to date & much as she earns for the work she does, I don't think u can put a price on the sanity those people restore to us their bosses.

Patience is the one thing motherhood hasn't taught me, ya I'm still same old impatient Kwesi. I used to hear the myth that motherhood will teach me patience, well it hasn't happened yet, so that is a lie, so far. Then there was the myth that once I have a baby I will not be able to continue with sports, that too is a lie, I think it is a matter of having support from the people around u & u putting ur mind on it. If you don't want it, it won't happen, I made it happen & it happened. I suppose the negativity contributed to my determination to make it happen. Then I was also told that once you become a mother, you will lose the body you have because you'll get fat, yes I got fat, but now I'm back to the size I was before I had the baby. So again, they lied.

The one precious thing I learnt was that, no matter how inexperienced you are about babies, once you have your own, you will have the interest in knowing about your baby. You will learn how to change those diapers, how to feed him, burp him etc

Mummy Diaries

Motherhood is the one journey that has kept me consistently fulfilled, curious and enlightened. Everyday I am learning, everyday I discover new things, everyday I discover that God is simply amazing. Discovering how much this child basically copies everything u do. From taking the deodorant container and rubbing it against his armpit when he is fully clothed, to taking a cellphone or sometimes a remote and putting it against his ear and talking, from taking the gate/car remote and pressing it while standing at the door while observing exactly what happens when u press a button, to pressing the TV/Decoder remote while looking at the TV and wondering what will happen when he presses, from running to the microwave as soon as it makes that sound that signals that it has finished reheating, so he can press the open button, to putting the car key on ignition as soon as he gets hold of it, to wanting to use cutlery when he attempts to eat meat. Yesterday I received a call on my landline, I hardly use my landline by the way, anyway, I was on the call for hardly 2 minutes, then I put down the phone and went to the bedroom, when I returned, my son had gotten hold of the receiver of the landline, and was pretending to be on a call while calmly chilling on the couch, I found this quite hilarious.

Motherhood, an exciting journey this, a journey I am yet to learn plenty from, a journey I am grateful to God for having blessed me with. Hi, my name is Nyakwesi Keregero Motsa, I am a mother of a 24months old, yes, we are almost 2 years old, just some 2 weeks left. 

The spirit of Giving vs running

Its been a while since I last wrote a piece... Well here goes....

So I'm back on the road, but no its more for fun rather than building up for a race... Its more for maintaining, more for conversation, more for enjoying God's wide creation called nature, its more for setting the tone for the day. There are many things I've experienced through running, but one thing that has come to my attention is the spirit of "giving" shared among our runners. 

So a few days ago I was with a group of ladies that I've chosen to run with for now. A wonderful group of ladies, the type of people you would think are just there to fill up the numbers, the type you would easily want to ignore, the type you might want to write off and think are just there to play around, the type that are keeping healthy through running, the type who you only appreciate by spending time close to them and realizing what they are made of. These ladies have great personalities and even bigger hearts. 

So while I was going about my business of pretending to run, I overheard them talking about someone they needed to assist, and while they went on and on about how they should go about offering this assistance, an idea to offer the "someone" some running gear, or even casual wear if  the "someone" didn't mind, came up, while they deliberated on that, while running of course, then an idea to buy that "someone" new sneakers came about, and while I was still trying to continue minding my own business, someone volunteered to go to the shops to check out the price of new sneakers at a sale that was currently going on. 

All in all I was caught up in some ball of thoughts that contained amazement at how this group of ladies had literally just grabbed the bull by its horns and taken it upon themselves to just want to assist a fellow human being. A human being they probably hardly even know, the only thing they needed to know was that this human being was probably "in need"..... I found myself committing to this very worthy cause while still in amazement at how within an hour of running, a greeting towards a fellow "human being" turned into a great idea and soon to be turned into a great gesture of trying to help another "human being". True enough to their word, a few days later, feedback was given to those who were present on the day on how much the sneakers would cost, and how many people are contributing to the cause. Someone volunteered to go and buy, and whatever happens next, I trust they will complete the transaction. The point I am still stuck on is that, this hobby we call running, isn't all about chasing air. We share the road with human beings who will call you if 2 days pass without having seen you on the road, the type of people who will call to check whether you are ok because they notice your absence on the road. The type of people who feel your pain when you happen to share yourself with them. 

I suppose this is the kind of spirit people will share when they're led by such a giving leader... Let me end this here before I start going on and on about this very inspirational leader... That is a blog post for another day..... 

They say Blessed be the hand that giveth...... You may not have great use for the 50 rands in your pocket, but one thing u must know is that, that 50 rands could made a huge difference to someone else's life if you just choose to contribute to that worthy cause. May God bless those ladies, sometimes we learn lessons from others without them even realizing how much their actions humble us. Sometimes we go about our business of running, forgetting that the next person isn't as affording as we are. We are NOT rich, but the next person would love just that pair of tights so they can run, while we want to add on that 5th pair. #TheGoldenFootClub #Running #Giving

I am blessed to share my mornings with such great beings. 

My mother, my queen, another birthday, a reminder that I am blessed

My mother, my queen, moons and moons ago in a faaaaaaaaar away land somewhere in a village called Tuaran, Sabah, Malaysia, on this day a beautiful soul was born. My mother, my queen, my stronghold, my reminder that indeed, i am blessed. Yet again i'm sure some of you will be for the first time learning that my mother, is Malaysian, that is the nature of social networks these days, you think you know someone and then you find out that you actually do not know them. Anyway, moving along, my mother today turns a year older, i miss her, i wish i was where she is right now, in Lesotho, or if she were here where i am, so we could just celebrate and thank God for another year, another blessing and pray to God for more years. By God's grace she is still here today, a strong woman she is, a woman who left her far far far away land and fell in love with none other but my father, who is Tanzanian by the way for the benefit of those who find themselves not knowing my history. 

A mother of 3 beautiful girls, and a grandmother of 2 and soon to be 3 and hopefully by God's grace more. I think right now the most befitting gift for her is the grandchild which by God's grace should arrive in not more than 5 days from today. I know she cannot wait for that and i am very happy on her behalf. A beautiful woman she is, a strong woman she is, a very quiet woman she is. Sometimes i wonder if she is really my mother, coz this apple surely fell too far away from that tree, well except for the beauty of course. My mother is a woman of very few words, a very principled woman, a woman who laid the foundation for what and who i am today. As i go through life i am constantly reminded of the teachings i got from her, sadly one only gets reminded of these as they experience other people going about their lives. 

Besides being a mother and grandmother she is a wife of a very stubborn but loving African man, my father, we will get into that another day. Yes they met during their PHD years in Wisconsin some mooooons ago. A teacher by profession, referred to as Prof M.M.Keregero by her students. To me she simply MAMA. I am thankful to God for the blessing of her in my life, for the teachings she continues to impart on me, for the example she continues to be in my life, for the strong woman that she is. If she was here, rest assured we would have headed to that Chinese restaurant this evening, and had that cake, and blew out those candles and wined and dined and smiled and shared moments of laughter and lots and lots of pictures. But she is not here, she is far away, she is alone, my dad is out of the country too. But i am comforted by God's grace, the knowledge that wherever she is, she is healthy, she is happy and although i miss her, i am blessed to have her and comforted by knowing that when i do get to see her, we surely will celebrate another milestone in her life. Love you mama. This was supposed to be longer but because emotions are threatening to get the better of me, i'll end here. Happy birthday mama, i love you. May God continue to bless us with your presence. 

Diaries of being a mummy to a hyperactive toddler

So i've a 22 months old son, a very active one by the way, i cannot keep up with him, sometimes i wonder how my helper is able to do that. Yesterday when i got home my helper narrated to me in tears what had befallen her during the day. 

She says she had to step out of the house and attend to something very briefly outside the house, left my boy in the sitting room, locked all bedroom doors, meaning he only had access to the sitting room, locked the front door, meaning he could not go outside. She returned a few minutes later to find the house in silence the the son absent. She said she called out his name numerous times but there was no response, she said she opened the cupboards and the normal places he would normally go into but to no avail. She said she even unlocked the bedroom doors just to check that maybe he could have gone into the bedrooms, perhaps in my thinking, through the keyhole (lol) but he was not there. She said she even went as far as going to look around and at the back of the house, although she couldn't quite comprehend how he could have gotten out of the house because she had closed the door, but still she searched. She says at this point, she was in tears because she could not understand what had happened and where my son was. She said she was in the process of going outside the gate and maybe searching by the road although again she couldn't quite understand how he would have gotten there, she even thought of screaming out for help. Lo & Behold, apparently some few minutes later, which felt like a lifetime to her by the way, a sound was heard from behind the sofa................My son, my 22months old boy, was hiding behind the sofa, clearly playing hide and seek that he normally plays with my niece...............I think my nanny deserves a raise.... The emotional turmoil she must have gone through those few minutes i cannot imagine. It may sound funny now, to me that is, but she does not find it funny. 

My name is Nyakwesi Keregero Motsa, i am a mother to a 22months old son. I suppose this is an insight to what they call the TERRIBLE TWOs. May God help us all. 

The Comrades Marathon 2015- My Journey

2 days later, the pains are still fresh, the memories are still soo vivid, the fatigue is so evident, the sun burn marks still very clear, the tummy runs still ongoing, the sugars one consumed during race are still in the system.

What a memorable race, what a tough race, what an experience. Maybe because it is still so fresh in my head, I've never experienced so much pain during a run, I've never experienced myself having to put so much effort to complete a run, I have never so badly wanted to bail out or at the very least be swept off the road just so the pain would stop. The race was everything I had imagined and more. I had imagined it would be a tough race, a tough 87.72kms, everything I imagined an UPrun would be, it indeed was. That first 30kms climb was simply gruesome, as I ran up the hill, I kept thinking, I feel as tired as though I have already reached 70kms yet i am still to reach halfway, how the hell will I even manage to run the 2nd half of the race. For the first time since I first took part in the Comrades Marathon in 2012, I left my hotel room not wearing anything warm, yes that is how hot the day turned out to be. By 9 a.m the sun was out and the heat showed us what it was made of. At about 21kms water point, suddenly there was no water. See if you want to see a runner cry instantly, deprive them of water. It was torture, the only thing available at the water tables was energade and coke, God knows that when you are that thirsty, those things don't interest a runner, all you want is water. The next 2 water points also had no water, I began thinking to myself, how is one to even finish this race if there'll be no water at the tables. We started begging for water from the people standing next to the road, the people who had come to just watch or support their buddies. We picked up paper cups from the ground and requested some good samaritans on the side of the road to pour us their water. We got lucky coz we were helped about 2 times. Luckily after 30kms mark, there was plenty of water. 

Close to us was the 12 hour bus, it was just in front of us, in our heads we told ourselves we are still safe since the 12 hour bus is still within reach. At that point I was even doubting I'll get to halfway because the cutoff times had been changed so many times so I wasn't sure whether the halfway cutoff was 6hrs, though I was very sure that in the race rules it was reduced to 6hrs, instead of the 6hrs 10minutes that was initially the case. I told my buddy that if the cutoff is 6 hours we won't make it, yet at the same time thinking in my head that the bus behind us surely knows the cutoffs and it wouldn't be behind us if the cutoff was 6 hours. 6hours 5 minutes we passed the halfway mark with some 10 minutes to spare if I remember correctly. In my mind I was hoping to be cut off, that was the pain would end, for as long as I was on the road, I knew I would have to keep pushing, yet if I was swept off the road, the pain would end. Well we made the halfway mark, the halfway mark always comes with that relief that at least now you're beginning to countdown to the end. At least after halfway, you're closer to the finish than you are to the start of the race. Of course the cutoffs after halfway were not known to me, I knew there were others coming but I had no idea at what time and at what point. I kept moving, one step at a time, the rescue buses, the ambulances, the helicopters, were all passing next to us or hovering above us, some runners collapsing next to the road, meanwhile I thought to myself, why why why do I even do this in the first place. Anyway, we kept moving, the hills were tough, the calves were finished, the thighs were feeling every bit of the road. I have never cramped so much during a run, actually I never cramp, at this race I started cramping at around 10kms, luckily my running mate had crampease, which I kept spraying in my mouth for relief. I have never used so much crampease in my life like I did on Sunday. I had even sent a message to my husband, telling him how tough it is and how doubtful I am that I'll reach the finish with the way I'm feeling. That supportive man kept encouraging me to just aim for the finish. I tried. We kept cursing with my mate, cursing all the way, I remember swearing that I wd never do the Uprun again, even right now I'm not so sure about doing an uprun again. It is a whole different race to the downrun. 

On the way we kept passing people who had lost hope, some had wrong cutoff times in the head, and because we didn't know any better we thought maybe they were right, maybe we will miss the next cutoff, yet we didn't. We made the 3rd cutoff within 4 minutes I think, the 4th cutoff within 2 minutes if I remember correctly. I can't quite even remember at what point these cutoffs were located. All I remember thinking was me doubting if the bus behind us will make it because at this point it was quite far behind us and the way we were barely making the cutoffs I began doubting they would cross clear them safely. Knowing the bus was far behind us had given us that comfort that we are still within reasonable time yet when I calculated in my head, I was not convinced we were within reasonable time, hence began wondering if that bus driver knew what he was doing. This was the same bus I joined in 2012 on my first comrades after the 60kms mark after I picked up an injury and couldn't continue solo. It carried me to the finish so in my head I did have some faith in that driver. Unfortunately he failed to pull the bus through this time. I do not even want to imagine how those runners in that bus felt, given that you normally would put all your faith in the driver because you assume he knows what he is doing. 

We didn't give up, after 65kms or more, all we were waiting for was the famous polly shorts and the unidentified hill everyone spoke of. Then we heard there is little polly's before the polly shorts, anyway we struggled through those hills and made it. Little did we know that the vicious Polly shorts was actually at 79km mark, it is the hill that takes you to the last cutoff at 80kms if I'm not mistaken. We thought we were done with hills, lo & behold, the monster was before our eyes. The marker said 1km to go to the last cutoff point and I think we had about 10 minutes or less to do that 1km hill. The biggest struggle ever. In my head, the 12 hour cutoff at the finish was not within reach, that I had already worked out from halfway. But as these other challenges kept coming our way, honestly, getting into the rescue bus just sounded like such a fun idea. The heat had taken its toll on us, at this point we had consumed so many pain killers to relieve the pain in the muscles, all we wanted was for this to be over. We kept telling each other, we will fight to the end, whatever happens we are finishing what we started. We somehow made it through the famous polly shorts, within 2 minutes of cutoff, the cutoff here was at 11hours 10 minutes. Meaning we had 50 minutes left to finish about 8kms, which was a nonstarter. Actually any expert will tell you that it is impossible to pull that off unless your legs are fresh, & even without experts, i was NOT willing to even try to push to make it within 12hrs, my aim at this point was to just enjoy what is left of the race & reflect on whatever sanity i still had left in me. 

Suddenly my mate had strength in her, I was finished, I even wanted to bail out, she kept saying no, the end is near, we will rest all we want once we are done, lets just keep putting one leg after the other, I even begged her to leave but ya she refused. The Comrades Marathon in a way resembles the journey through life, one day you are strong, the next your are weak and you need someone else to pull you up, someone else to be strong for you. At some point during the race i was strong and she was weak, some other point she was strong and i was weak, at this point towards the end, she was strong and quite motivated, i wanted to cry, i wanted to stop running, i wanted to sit down, i wanted it to all stop. I just wanted to see my husband & my 21 months old son who were at the finish. Pushed we did, I even started laughing that we started running in the dark and now finishing the run in the dark, the cold was starting to set in, for the first time on this day I was feeling cold. We kept moving, the countdown continued and lo & behold, we reached the stadium. The pride I carried within me was/is inexplicable. The way I felt at 30kms and now seeing myself almost at the end was just an emotional journey. I couldn't believe it as I entered the stadium. We smiled, smiled genuinely, smiled with pride, we made it to the finish within 12hours 7minutes. 7minutes over the cutoff time. That is classified as a DNF in the comrades results, but the great thing about any race is that, it stays with you forever, like any precious memory, it stays in your heart. 87.72kms we ran, using these precious legs God blessed us with. This marked the end of hard work that was put into training for the last 5 months despite all the challenges faced. Challenges that one may never document, challenges that come with life, challenges that may hinder you from doing your training the way you want to do it. 

The support from my family, my husband, my parents, my sisters is simply special. My parents i'm sure to this day still wonder where i get such craziness from but they support me all the same. My husband, what can i say about him, you see it is very easy to not appreciate the partner you live with until you hear of the horror stories other females endure where their partners do not ALLOW, or FORBID them to go to either gym or running in the mornings. This is a reality, only then does one truly truly value the support they receive from their own partners. This man never stands in my way when it comes to my running, he assumes that i use a certain level of reasoning when i go for my training, he assumes that i measure the pros and cons of family time in relation to my running, he assumes i will find a way of balancing it out. He allows me to use resources to attend races, sometimes even helps finance my running. Sometimes he is the very person that wakes me up to go running, or when he sees that i haven't woken up for some few days in a row, he literally asks me, "why aren't you running", for that i am thankful, i may not say it everyday but i am truly thankful. To my friends, who put up with my crazy crazy hobby, thank you for wishing me well, your motivation, encouraging words are always great. Chances are I will do this again. To my running mates, those I had the privilege of sharing the road with, thank you, you all had a hand in this "my journey", not all of us have the goal of getting to the comrades one day, that does not mean that your goals are less important. Goals are personal, you set your own goals and work towards them, but if you do wish to take part in this race one day, don't even think it is impossible. It is very possible. Another person in particular i would like to thank, Nkosingiphile Kunene, ya we spent more hours together in training this year than any other year, thank you for your great company, for the sisterhood for the companionship, for everything, you are a very special human being, thank you for being you and well done on completing your 2nd Comrades. 

This morning as I dressed up for work, limped to the bathroom to take a bath, struggled through dressing up, feeling the clothes so loose on my body, I smiled while I looked at myself in the mirror and winked and said to myself, "you did it". As I go through the fb comments, posts, inboxes, whatsapp messages, I smile and I'm thankful, I have a great support system, I am a strong human being for having gone through this journey. After the race I fell sick, ended up in a clinic in a town I don't even know that well. The doctor was so nice, after she heard that I was from the comrades, all she could talk about was the race and the running, yap to hell with what was wrong with me. She asked my husband, "were u also running?", my husband responded "I am still sane", lol. The doctor said she is so inspired and would consider taking her running more seriously so she can do the comrades one day too.  This was the first time I fell sick after the race, of course I knew what caused the sickness, its the painkillers one consumed during the run, its a stupid solution but at that time when you are in pain, it sounds like a brilliant solution, a brilliant short term solution. 

I am thankful for the journey I endured in the last 5 months in a buildup to this race, learnt great lessons, formed special bonds. I am grateful for this race, taught me what I am made of, taught me not to give up, taught me that I can do anything I set my mind to. I am a stronger person because of this race. Thousands left Durban on Sunday morning, not all of them made it to Pietermaritzburg and of those that made it to Pietermaritzburg not all of them got medals, not all of them made it within the 12 hours cutoff. A medal is special, a medal is solid evidence of hard work put in, it is like a pat in the back for hard work, I did not get a medal but I finished my race, with pride, with great memories with a winner's attitude. I came, I saw, I took part, I shall definitely return. To those tho made it within cutoff, you did extremely well, congratulations on the hard work. For those who were watching from home or following fb posts and who got inspired, I am touched, if this can inspire just one person to take up running, then my work is done. Running doesn't mean you should join the comrades tomorrow or next year or the year after. If it can get you out of bed the next day and help you attempt even 5kms, then it is all worth it. To the naysayers, well, you make me strong each and every day, your negativity drives me to work harder, your negativity makes me smile because it makes me believe that i have something that you don't have and while you were/are being negative, i was training and running 87.72kms. The road belongs to all of us, we can all make a difference in our health and lifestyle if we did just 1 km in a day. For me this is an even more exciting time, I get to rest now that the race is over, I get to eat anyhow I get to just relax and slow down from the intense training until the next season comes along. I love this time of the year, the Post Comrades part of the year. 

I thank God for carrying us through this race, I thank God for great health, I thank God for these legs and I pray for many many more years of running, and I thank God for the many great people I have met during this journey. 

To my friend Lungile, you are very special to me.... Words cannot describe what we've been through together. You are simply an amazing and very strong woman. Never ever let anyone make you think otherwise. The strength you possess within you will break barriers you never thought possible. Thank you for being you & congratulations on completing your 2nd Comrades Marathon, you are made of steel. Don't ever underestimate the strength you possess within you.  

Its that Time again- The Comrades Marathon 2015

I just received that dreaded email which basically confirms that It is that time of the year once again, the 31st of May is just 4 days away, the day for The Ultimate Human Race, the Comrades Marathon. The distance for the Uprun (Durban to Pietermaritzburg has been officially confirmed to be 87.72kms as opposed to the 89.28kms we ran last year, apparently this year is shorter than last year's distance, to me it all looks the same, the point still remains, there shall be pain, there shall be tears, there shall be horror. And this ladies & gentlemen will mark my first ever uprun.

The Month May ought to be the most horrific month for those runners taking part in the Big C. Everyone feels the need to share the countdown to the big day, everyone feels the need to share the horror stories, the negatives and a few positives here & there etc. No matter how hard u try to ignore it, it does catch up with u at times, u do experience those moments of weakness and doubt. Denial is the best part though because it allows you to just ignore everything around you and even lie to yourself on how the events of that day will unfold. When reality hits, you remember just how difficult the day is going to be, you find yourself praying away all the unknown factors that could possibly hinder your run.

At this point i am not sure whether it is even an advantage to have the experience of having run the race before, because the realities just hit you as hard. You know it will be tough, you know it won't be a walk in the park, you know you will feel pain, excruciating pain, you pray you don't fall sick during the run, you pray you don't collapse for one reason or another, you pray you don't cramp, you pray that all those horrific scenes you've witnessed happening around u during your previous runs do not actually happen to you because achieving that 12 hour finish on its own is a challenge.

I can't wait for the race to be over, so that one can function normally again, eat normally and have normal thoughts without having to worry about the big day everyday. I can't wait for the race to be over so i return to running without any goals in mind, just run to keep healthy and fit.

Receiving that confirmation email is basically a validation of the 5 months challenging training one has had to endure in a build up to the race. It is a ticket to the big day. It ends that denial process one has been in. I don't remember ever thinking that the race would be easy, but it seems each year the fear gets worse. The 5 months challenging training never leaves you the same, it builds your character, it teaches you priorities, it teaches you focus, it gets you new friends and unfortunately, inevitably many do get lost along the way too. Losing friends along the way is the confirmation that the priority is actually running, and not making friends. Bonds are strengthened when a run is shared with people with the same goals as you, bonds are strengthened when a run is shared with people who support you, bonds are strengthened when someone goes out of their way to assist you to take part in that long run or race etc. I've done some crazy runs in the last 5 months, the sort of runs i've never put myself through, the sort of runs that when i sit back and reminisce about, leave me smiling and even breaking out in laughter, ya, one surely got crazy this year. One thing for sure is,you can never put a runner's spirit down, i've learnt that where there is a will, a way surely shall always be found. Not everyone will support your goal, not everyone will support your victory, actually very few will support you, a majority will not, a majority will await your failure, the great thing about this is that it is the very thing that lifts your spirit, it is the very thing that picks you up when you are down and allows you to put more effort.

As we get closer to the day, my wish is to just have fun on the day. I pray for journey mercies and good health and great weather on the day. Getting to that start line will be surreal, hearing "Chariots of fire" will be special. While i cannot guarantee to get to that finish line, i sure as hell will do my best, and if i manage to pull that off, that will be just a cherry on top. May God be with us all taking part in the Comrades Marathon 2015 on Sunday, the 31st of May in Durban. 

Patience, Faith...........

Do you sometimes feel like God is taking too long to intervene, u feel as though u have reached that darkest hour hence morning must come sooner rather than later, u feel as though God's time perhaps isn't the most reasonable or convenient time, u feel as though u have had enough and an intervention should take place immediately.....

Do you believe that gold must pass through fire to shine, do you believe that every story of greatness has its hardships, do you believe that hardships shape greatness. Do you know that strength does not come from winning, but rather developed by your struggles? When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength. Adversity shapes your character, clarifies your priorities and defines your path and can also fuel your greatness.

Every great story starts from humble beginnings, no great story results from a smooth ride, no great story involves winning all the time, no great story involves certainty on way forward. Every great story involves a certain level of uncertainty about the future and a loss of control resulting in surrendering to the unknown. 

Have a little faith, they say, things will come right, they say, things are never as bad as they seem, they say, time heals all wounds, they say. Do you ever believe those statements? Do you think God just enjoys seeing you suffer just for the sake of it, Do you believe that God actually has the master plan for your life. Do you believe that morning does indeed come after the darkest hour? Do you believe that by going through whatever you are going through, you actually inspire someone else to be able to face something similar, that your hardship gives someone else hope that things do come right in the end?????

Often times we find ourselves thinking that God isn't listening anymore, we think we are alone, sometimes we even think we are faced with unique problems. I do not have the answers, i am merely wondering...... What i know though is that the God we serve is a mighty God, and will never leave nor forsake us. 

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Romans 8:24-25 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Psalm 30:5 For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning

My Son, a reminder that God is at work

You see when i look at him now, i get confused, i get mixed feelings, i am overwhelmed with gratitude, at the great wonders of God, at how He can just turn a situation around. One day while going about my business, oblivious to how that day would end, I was 7 months pregnant, woke up, went about my business, didn't feel too well, drove myself to the clinic in Mbabane, some 35kms away, drove back to home in Manzini after being cleared by a nurse since i didn't find my doctor that day, by the time i got home i felt terribly unwell, requested to be driven to another clinic in Manzini, a clinic i had never even been to before. Got there, in hardly 10 minutes i was rushed into the delivery room because lo & behold, i was in labour. When the Doctor told me "the baby is coming", i thought to myself, how??? Just yesterday i was telling people that i'll deliver in 2 months, and now i'm in the delivery room, how???? I couldn't even fathom the condition of the baby at that point, neither could the doctor because he had never attended to me before so everything he was hearing about my situation was for the first time, all he could do was deliver the baby and hope for the best, hope that what i'm saying that i'm 33 weeks pregnant, is actually accurate, but the main point was, they couldn't stop the baby from coming. At this point i had bought nothing for the baby, literally nothing, because hey, i was due in 2 MONTHS..... The baby was born, at 2kgs, the tiniest baby i had ever encountered and yes he was my baby, i couldn't run away from him. To this day i cannot forget how tiny he was, at that point your hope is basically placed on your faith and the doctor's hands. After delivery it took me some goood many hours to even tell my friends that i was in hospital and that i had given birth already, because i couldn't believe what had just happened between waking up that Saturday morning and that afternoon. 

We stayed in hospital for a month............ I look at him now, i honestly i cannot forget where we come from, sometimes tears fill my eyes. Yes i look at him, the way he is so naughty, the way i am already considering taking him to creche because at the rate he is going, i swear my helper is going to run away from me. The point i am making is, God never fails. I have seen Him at work, i see Him at work. Whenever i look at Zawadi Amukelwe Jackson Motsa, i know God is at work.

Pre Race Anxiety

I hate the week before race, honestly, i almost can't recognize myself during that week. U can't really train as  hard as u normally do, or rather sometimes u shdn't even train at all, if u do, u do it minimally, so u wake up and just feel useless. On top of that u just crave for everything under the sun, the junk, the food, the sweet drinks, everything u are NOT supposed to take. And then suddenly u feel sick, sometimes u feel like u r coming down with a flu, sometimes a fever, you just can never put your finger on it. Then the injuries. Suddenly every niggle u've ever felt, feels like its real, suddenly u even feel like u r limping and hurting and not sure whether it is real or just in your head, yes sometimes even the back starts hurting, something u have never experienced before. Add on to the that the negativity around u, people going to the same race as u, also worried about the same things, worried about whether they'll make it, or whether they are well enough to take on the race, and that just throws you off completely. Ah yes, the week before a race, i can never get used to that anxiety. But as usual, i'm always joyous, smiling, as if "I know what i'm doing", as if i'm saying "I've got this", yet deep down, i am burning in anxiety, in deep worry, i even wonder sometimes "how do i get myself into such predicaments?".............. Right now i am supposed to do this thing they call hydrating, i hate drinking water, in this case i have to drink only water and not my normal fizzy drinks. It tastes like feet, i hate it, but yes if experts say hydrate, who am i to say no..... Then they also say you must carbo- load.... I don't mind carbo-loading, if what they mean by that is that i shd eat anything i want...... Ahhhhhhhhh i hate pre race week

The hand of God at work... Blessings!!!

Its been a while... I guess i've been too busy doing damage control in this thing called life. Yet somehow i've come out of it stronger and highly motivated, I have seen the hand of God at work, i have witnessed His grace, I have pulled through... Had a rough phase between the months of September to December. Those I was in contact with got to hear of it, and kept motivating me to press on, be patient as they would say. I wasn't willing to spend any more time feeling sorry for myself, walking out seemed a better option, especially when you spend your day in an environment which constantly pulls you down and leaves no room for you to breath and appreciate the goodness of life. It became a battle of surviving a day, then a week, then a month........ This isn't what one spent their lifetime dreaming that their adult life would be like.... 2015 came with new hope, and great beginnings. Through this experience I have learnt that God exists, and He will never leave nor forsake me. I have learnt to appreciate the smaller things in life, I have learnt that you don't know what you've got until its gone, I have learnt that when a situation is bad, it CAN actually get a whole lot worse, and Dear God it got worse, worse than i could have ever imagined. I'm thankful for the family around me, my very special friends, every one who from time to time just offered their ear to my endless stories & cursing. I'm thankful for my hobby, running, at some point it became one of the only fulfilling things in the hours between 0400hrs to 1700hrs. God has been good to me, I can never thank Him enough. 

No weapon formed against me shall prosper

His will never lead me where His grace cannot keep me

He will never leave nor forsake me

The Lord is my Shepherd