Tribute to Daddy - Part II

Time flies, it feels like just yesterday when I wrote the tribute for my dad, yet it's almost a year ago, so much can happen with in a year, I was just reading it now & while everything still remains true & relevant, one very crucial part is missing, my mom.......................

Am I supposed to change it into past tense now that she's gone, am I to edit it, am I to just leave it there to reflect what was happening on the ground just a year ago.............. Anyway, I digress...... So the crucial part of our puzzle called life is gone, exactly 5 months ago today (15.01.2018), she took her last breath, & that signalled a beginning of a life we had never envisaged for ourselves. A life without her, a life without........................ Ok this is meant to be a happy post, once again, lemme regather my thoughts.............

My dad remains the head of this family, he remains the focal point of our lives (my sisters & I), our conversations are centred around ensuring he is happy & comfortable (given the circumstances), with mom gone, that responsibility falls solely on us. My dad to date inspires me for his integrity & for his principles. My dad sticks to his principles despite the cost, he sticks to what he believes in to the end and he ensures that you are aware of his position on anything such that there is never any ambiguity. 

I will make one main example which has stuck to me to date. When mom passed away, there was never any doubt on where she would be buried, this was because we had been taken to the site before (long time ago) & my parents both told us that "this is where we will be buried", at that time, I'm pretty sure I rolled my eyes & thought to myself, "we are supposed to travel this far to bury you"...........When this happened, much as my dad has repeatedly told us that he thought he would go first & not my mother, we honestly didn't doubt where burial would take place, at my dad's home village in Wanyere, Musoma, Tanzania. There seemed to be a general expectation that burial would take place in Morogoro since that is where my dad established his base and that is where our home is, but when those thoughts came up from all corners & attempts from few close pple were made to convince my dad of this, my dad made it clear to everyone that had doubts of his plans, that he and his wife had discussed this before and that burial would take place in Wanyere. I won't lie & say I wasn't hoping that the plan would miraculously change so that we bury in Morogoro, of course because it would have been closer in terms of travel & logistics & not requiring us to make further travel arrangements by air from Dar es Salaam to Mwanza and eventually Musoma. But truth is, I was aware of the burial plans even during good times, I just couldn't believe that the time for burial had now come. I respect my dad for seeing this plan through, I also respect that scary as such conversations are, he actually had such conversations with my mom time and again. I've learnt of families that do not discuss this between themselves, which brings so much doubt when death does decide to knock on your door. 

In our current conversations we've acknowledged that it would've proven to be quite a nightmare for us had he gone first because, maybe just maybe this plan/wish may not have gone his way because as women only, we may have faced difficulties seeing it through, but God somehow saw it befitting to take my mom away first and us witnessing the logistics and plans to fruition such that when his time comes (& we pray that is NOT any time soon), there is no ambiguity whatsoever on where he is to be buried. 

After burial, my dad received a lot of respect/accolades from his people, people who had honestly resigned themselves to the idea that since he lives "overseas" he wouldn't find it befitting to bury his wife back home at his village. He was showered with words of blessings from elders in the family, priests, relatives neighbours etc, words of encouragement by his people, people who genuinely appreciated this act of humanity of my dad choosing to be buried at the same place his own parents were buried. Through the pain, my dad was beaming with pride & feeling the connection with his people & somehow during that sad moment of our lives, I appreciated my dad & I understood his decision & I respected the way he stood for what he believed in despite the pressures he was under to do the easier option. At the end of the day, the essence of a man is his principles and his ability to stick to what he believes in without being shaken by external forces to bend over to pressures. 

The second thing that I admire my dad for is his honest outlook on life & his positivity which in turn gives me hope for tomorrow. Given we live far apart, some 700kms apart, hence not always easy to see each other, he accepts that his wife is gone, I was having a conversation with him the other day and he said, my child, my wife is gone, but I'm thankful that I have kids that do not require me to stress over them, my wife left me with "unburdensome" kids. He said, "what would have killed me faster in this life is if I had kids that would constantly be requiring me to be worrying about the status of their lives, schooling, work issues etc", he said "im thankful that you are leading your own lives, you are independent, your futures look bright" he said, "if I should die, it will be because God thinks it's time & it won't be because my kids are burdening me with their issues, which at this point, without your mother, I wouldn't be able to handle". He said "I enjoy my job, it keeps me busy, it keeps me distracted and I'm doing what I love and I'm thankful for that"............................ His positivity, his faith, his cheerful nature, keeps me cheerful & keeps me less worried about him His smile, so genuine, so soft, so positive.............. We continue to celebrate milestones together, despite the pain, we continue to trust that God has a plan. 

My dad remains my hero..... happy father's day  dad

Teamwork in Grieving

In the last month or so I've learnt some valuable lessons, one of which is that "there is teamwork in grieving". As an individual I can cry in my corner, in the comfort of my privacy, but as a unit/group/family I can't afford to excessively be seen to be weak/breaking down because my dad/family draws strength from me/us. When he  sees me weak/breaking down he gets weak too, I know this because he has said this many times & I believe him. The morning we were walking to the clinic after being called to rush there, something which had never happened before since my mom's admissions about 3 months before, I was weak, my knees were failing me, it's almost as if i knew that something bad was about to happen, my dad insisted we walk there much as I wanted us to drive. As we walked there, I was fighting tears as I feared the inevitable, & he said to me, "be strong, whatever comes", I had sunglasses on, fighting tears, I said to him "whatever God has in store for us, we'll fight through it". I'm not sure I've meant most of the words I said to my dad, but I know I needed to say them because he draws strength from me much as I draw strength from seeing him surviving, keeping on & being strong. IT IS A TEAM EFFORT. When we entered the clinic & were waiting for the nurses to let us in, dad said to me "Please don't shout or collapse", no one had told us anything yet, but I think at this point we both almost knew what we were in for much as we prayed hard against it & I knew what he meant when he said please don't collapse. I've been on autopilot ever since. I've also understood my purpose as a first born in the family, especially on this day when God simply chose that I be there with my dad when this happened, my sisters had left the day before & somehow, God also chose my friend Busi to be there with me/us (story for another day/blogpost), I've replayed this over & over.............. On the day of the memorial, my dad said to me "my strength comes from u", again I knew what he meant, on the day of the funeral he said the same thing. I've learnt the art of finding the right time to cry, not that it is always possible to postpone the tears, but when u can fight them, u do so, for the good of the unit. Truth be told, u can't cry all the time, u may feel like doing so all the time, but life has to go on & u have to find that balance even when grieving. I know people will normally say, let it out, cry when you feel like, you can't keep it bottled up inside, in practice, u really can NOT cry all the time, I'm not saying u should not cry, I'm saying it is NOT practical to do so all the time. I am a daughter, mother, sister, wife, employee etc, I have to stay functional, I've to make my dad believe that indeed we will be alright, if that is the one thing that keeps him going & keeps him sane. I crack jokes, I laugh, I take photos, lots of photos, I do anything necessary to lift the others one up, for the sake of the unit.

Somehow this post made sense in my head, now I'm not sure where it is going. That said, "there is teamwork in grieving"............

It's been a minute..............

Was thinking earlier today how it has been quite a while since I last jotted a few of my thoughts, feelings, experiences, whatever you may call it, not that I didn't have anything to say, on the contrary I have plenty to say, I had a whole lot to say but life has a way of having its way..... There was a time about 5 months ago to now when I needed to just pour out my feelings, but doing that would have meant me breaking down thoroughly, because there is no way you can go through a tough time, talk about it, and NOT shed a tear or two, or even more. Sadly that was the same time when, much as I needed to shed a tear or two, I needed to still remain functional, I needed to only cry when I could afford to, rather than when I needed to, that meant, postponing the tears to when I got home after work, because you can't cry all the time no matter the need to, you cry when you are left with no other choice, but that means drawing attention to yourself while at the workplace or anywhere out there so long as it is NOT at home. It is for this reason I discouraged people from calling me & asking me how my mom was, I discouraged people from hugging me, I preferred texts, at least with text messages, I can read the message, draw strength to respond & respond when I have that strength if I don't have that strength right away. Talking to someone on the phone meant them asking me how I am or how mom was, then me crying while I try to figure out how what to say without becoming a spectacle to the people around me. It was a very tricky moment, still is, but I’m trying to find my feet, everyday presents new challenges, but God’s grace remains with us..................

To be Continued................

To the Father of My Children- A Short Tribute

A tribute to the father of my children in the spirit of "give credit where its due". So this man that i married, i thought i knew him, i thought i knew him well as my husband, but seems everyday i learn to understand the new him, the doting, caring even warm father. The things he does with/for the kids leave me with that warm, fuzzy feeling most times, not necessarily because i thought he wasn't capable of doing them but i guess i never thought of him that way, i really don't know. The way he wants to spend time with the kids & bond with them, the way he feels so guilty when he gets home & finds them (one or both) sleeping, the way he always plays santa clause & carries them goodies when he gets home, tho this sometimes makes me feel like a bad mom coz i carry nothing, yes at some point i found myself passing by the store n buying goodies coz i wasn't going to be outplayed by him 🙈🙈🙈🙈 , yes parenting can make u do that at times, the patience he displays when he takes his time to eat with the kids, something i simply fail to do bcoz it becomes such a messy affair, yes, he eats with both of them & the kids (especially the young one) in turn smear u with avocado, on ur face, clothes etc, but somehow he finds fun in that, i still don't know how. Yes i'm the type of parent who prefers eating while standing next to the deep freezer just so nana doesn't see my food then wants me to do like daddy does #ShootMe . He goes out with the 4 year old, like yes, they go out together for i assume boy's time out, he simply requests for his bag to be packed with the usual goodies & off they go, they go for haircuts together, yes i've never taken my son for haircut, this is something they do together, u shd see the majesticism (i swear that is a word) my son exudes when he is from a boy's day out with daddy, & utters words like "ngbuya kuyohula majita", as if to say, ladies rn't welcome there *rolls eyes*. The other day on the weekend he was bathing them, yes both of them, another very messy affair coz nana wants to splash water onto the floor, but somehow he took his time to simply spend time with them in the water, that too left a very fuzzy warm feeling in my stomach. I heard him utter the words to nana the other day saying "as soon as u can walk, I'll go out with u & Zawi", again warm fuzzy feeling

The other night Daddy & Zawi were sharing daddy's cup of tea, he somehow has taught Zawi to dip a fat cake into the tea, then he phuphutsas the fatcake for Zawi, then Zawi eats it. I think i'm a sissy, i thot it was so khyut.
Did i mention the part where when we r home, the moment nana hears daddy's voice, he simply gets hysterical, looks around at where the voice is coming from & is simply untouchable til daddy picks takes him. I always laugh at this coz it makes daddy so happy that once he is in the room nana wants noone else buy him, but when he wants to do something else & wants someone else to carry nana, nana simply refuses, then it doesn't get funny.

Anyway, to the father of our children, i pray God grants you many many more years ahead so that your kids get to experience more of your warm, kind, loving heart. You make parenting seem easy. Your love for the kids blows me away. Motsa Mvulane Loluhlata Lonjengengcoshane, awuyidle indlebe yenkhomo uyinika mankengane, wena lohamba ngemvula, Motsa.

Happy Father's Day- Tribute to daddy

Today i wd like to pay tribute to daddy, seeing as we r approaching Father's day & i am clearly not going to be able to celebrate with him. My dad, Prof KJB Keregero, in Morogoro, he is known as Prof, heck at some point i actually thought my dad's name was Prof, it took me time to realize this was a title rather than a name. Anyway, back to the tribute, my dad, born n bred in the city of Musoma in the Mara region, north of Tanzania. His father died when he was a baby, hence grew up not knowing his father, was schooled by his brother (my uncle/baba mkubwa, babe lomkhulu), May his soul RIP. Grew up in the humblest of beginnings, somehow worked his way up through school, Somehow ended up in the US for his PHD, somehow came back to Tanzania with a Malaysian wife who he met in the US (University of Wisconsin) while she too was doing her PHD. She is famously known as the mzungu/mlungu wife of the Prof 🙂🙂🙂. Anyway, i digress. I am yet to establish what she saw in him that made her give up her life in Malaysia and move permanently to Tanzania, but they say love can make you do ridiculous things.

The result of this union was 3 extremely gorgeous girls. My dad, a Tanzanian, a typical African man, raised us to be principled, to value education, be respectful to ourselves, to society & especially to the elders, my dad taught us to celebrate life, to celebrate even the smallest of victories, taught us to travel. We were never rich at home, but we were not poor either, my dad showered us with love, and to date continues to do so, he always took us out on Sunday afternoons after church, i never saw sense in it back then but i see it now coz i love doing it too & those childhood outings remain as the greatest memories. The way him & my mom treated each other at home, as a child i cld swear to u that my parents never fought, they were forever in love, as an adult i realize, they probably only fought somewhere behind close doors, never allowed us to witness them fighting. My dad valued education so much, he did his best to take us to the best schools given the resources he had at the time, i understand it now coz as i think back, going to Nguzo primary school, which at that time in Morogoro was probably one of only 2 english medium schools, attended mostly by your Indian & Arab businessman's kids, it must've been costly, but he ensured we schooled there.

In 1994 we moved to Swaziland because he got a job here, my dad is one of the few i wd say unusual men more especially ur older lecturers who has a wife in formal employment, more especially a Professor too as a wife. Most of your older lecturers' wives do not work, either because husbands refuse for them to work or whatever other reasons. I appreciate him for that one aspect that as a black man, he saw it fit that he & my mom contribute equally to the growth of our home, shared, assisted & supported one another in growing this family. Most men esp from my dad's generation, preferred having housewives. Because of him, we grew up in a house full of love, a house full of support, a house full of memories, laughter. I repeat, we were not rich, but we had everything any child wd want. He was/is the head of this family & led/leads with grace.

He ensured & to date still tries to support relatives back home wherever he can, our home was home to many of our cousins & many other relatives who he made an effort to put through school. My dad taught us that the world does not owe u any favours, he always said, the world does not owe u any sympathies just coz u're going thru tough times, keep your head up, keep smiling. He taught us never to conform, to be happy with who we are and where we come from & that we shd never feel the need to be ashamed or cover up our backgrounds, he emphasized on the need to associate ourselves with pple who hold the same values as us, genuine & respectful people, people with whom we wdn't feel the need to be fake with. He taught us the value of saying please and thank you, he said, being polite and courteous to people will never hurt you yet at the same time taught us to be firm. He taught us to always remember family no matter how much we think we have made it in life, he teaches us to always stay connected to our people because they remain our roots no matter what else changes in us, though we may falter in this department, we certainly constantly get the teachings from him to never forget where we come from. He has never made it a secret the love he has for us, he was never the type to always say "i love u", but his actions were always louder than words. I remember one time in my childhood, a much older cousin must have beaten me, my dad didn't realize immediately that i was crying, coz he was having his dinner in the dining room, when he realized what had happened, all i remember is that my cousin had to leave the next day. Another time we used to have extra classes at home, a teacher from our school was hired temporarily to assist us, dad wd get transport to fetch our teacher from his residence to come home to teach me, this one time this teacher comes to our house drunk, shouts at me, i can't remember if he beat me, all i remember is that i managed to sneak out briefly to my dad's bedroom where the landline was, called my dad's office, luckily found my dad, quickly whispered to him that the teacher is drunk & isn't nice, i can't remember where our helper was during that time when this was happening, anyway, my dad, within 5 minutes was at the house with the driver, chased away the teacher & threw a tantrum from hell.

In 2006 he & my mom moved to Lesotho again for work purposes where both are currently employed, he remains the same humble, proud, joyful, loving, supportive father he has always been. My dad has always been the type of person you worry about when you leave him on his own, coz sometimes u wonder if he can even operate the microwave, actually we fear to even leave him with the kettle on coz we don't know whether he wd know where to turn it off shd the need arise, when my mom is away either on business or sick in hospital, she worries more about my dad, & we too end up worrying about him, yet we forget that when my mom is sick & its just the 2 of them in Lesotho, he is actually the one person that takes care of her. He has basically now stepped up to take care of duties we as the kids shd be the ones taking care of. One of the most memorable advises he ever gave me was some 2 years ago when i got a job offer i had to decline, he told me "Kwizi, life is NOT about money, it is about how happy & satisfied you are in the environment u spend 8 hours of ur daily life in", he further said "you can have all the money in the world, but not be happy", he said, what matters in the workplace, is your happiness, the rest comes second.

I wd like to thank God for the greatest dad in this world, my hero, grandfather to my kids, father in law to our husbands. He remains the greatest blessing to me. May you have a Happy Father's day even though we won't be there. I am thankful that Luntar & Gontse managed to make the trip to Lesotho today. I love u dad.

My First Comrades Experience- Comrades 2012

WHERE IT ALL STARTED- OCTOBER 2011

It all started in October 2011 when Sandra Groening registered me to take part in this event.. & that was the beginning of a 7 months of grueling training for this 89.28km race. Characterized by taking part in the Soweto Marathon, Pnp marathon, Vaal Marathon, The Long Tom Marathon & long run training ended with a long run from Oshoek to Manzini on the 1st of May 2012. After that it was just shorter distances to relax our muscles in readiness for the COMRADES.

EMOTIONS

I was scared, anxious, excited, horrified but tried to keep positive. I'm not sure i slept on that night before the race, it just felt like i was half awake for most of the night. In the morning we went to the starting point, i was all by myself amongst other 18000 people. 

AT THE START

Then the national anthem was played, followed by the shosholoza song followed by the Chariots of fire...This was the scariest moment & the longest moment spent being terrified with people next to me who were clearly novices too, shedding a tear or two, while i tried to keep calm.Apparently those songs r always played in that order every year at the comrades start. Then the gun went off & i had 11hrs 47minutes & 34seconds of what will remain the greatest memory in my running times..I will forever cherish this, the pains, the aches, the injuries, the tears.

THE INJURY

At around the 70km mark, i suffered an injury on my right knee & was in tears, stopped for a short massage & kept going & had to kip reminding myself that there shall be no stopping until the finish line. The pain spread to my thigh & lower part of the leg, i decided to join the 12hr bus & told myself i'm not letting go of that bus until the end..a stranger approached me, asked me, "r u ok?" as he saw me limping & i said yep i'm fine, just the knew, & he gave me painkillers, i drank 2 of them, i'm not even sure they worked coz the pain just kept pounding. 

THE HIGHLIGHT

The highlight of this race was just 2kms before reaching the finishing point, as we entered the stadium, the group decided we sing the Shosholoza song, we sang, we smiled, we waved, we did the victory dance & waved, while our bus leader one Thulani Zwane led us into the stadium...that guy made dreams of many novices from all around the world come true....a stranger to us all in true comradeship spirit....At that point my husband had no idea where i was as they failed to trace me on the road, they even searched the ambulances just to find out if i got injured but didn't find me. So he decided to wait for me at the stadium while crossing his fingers to the 12hr cutoff....When we ran to the finish, u wdn't have been able to tell that i was injured, i was close to tears, i was completely finished inside.......

This is my experience of my first Comrades Marathon..During the race i cursed & cursed & cursed & vowed to never do this again & as i experience the pains & aches right now i smile & wonder if indeed i will never do this again.......

To SANDRA GROENING who is  my friend, sister mother, mentor, coach,everything, u're too special to me my friend. To have put up with me & got me to successfully run the Comrades, i will forever dedicate this achievement to you. 

To my team, VVO & Mark, i love you guys...

To the Golden Foot Club, it all started with you guys...

To my HUSBAND....No words can describe how thankful i am to God for blessing me with a husband as supportive as you.....I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH....*tears*

To the non runners & all those who do not understand what the fuss is all about....ur discouraging words, ur constant nagging and ridicule, that's what instilled the stubbornness in me. U will never know the joys of running especially in a team unless u try it...

& This marks the end of my running season for 2012.

Know your friends..................

So this particular post is a summary of many many status updates I made on this day in 2013 on FB, I'm not sure what brought it on, but I thought maybe I should just put all of what I said on that day together into one long blogpost, so here goes.

FACT: Part of growing up is realizing that not everyone that claims to be your friend will wish you well. Most will watch and hope you fail.....yep n while you are aware of that fact you will still call them your friends *smile*. Some friends you will relate to only due to habits...I would therefore never then expect these friends to be supportive to the extent of me telling them my challenges. #KnowYourFriends

Then there are some Friends to whom "the glass is always half empty"....they'll never give you a compliment or be happy when you have good news to share, e.g you will say, I got a new job in Matsapha, n he will say, but Matsapha is far from Mbabane...yes burst my bubble.

Some friends will believe everything you write on FB...I feel sorry for those friends......I think those are not friends, those are groupies.....then there are those who will like you more than you like them...call it difference in personalities or chemistry mismatch.....this is just a pitiful situation coz how do you force yourself to like a person beyond just merely appreciating their existence !!!!!

Some friends won't understand or will ridicule your hobbies or lack thereof..... ask questions like, why do you run?, you mean you don't go clubbing?, How do you pass your time then?.... Seriously why should I even give you a time of day???? Then you have colleagues...you should always distinguish btn colleagues & friends, & I think the perfect description of colleagues is "people you have to mingle with on a regular basis out of no choice of your own", do not mistake these for friends. You maintain a Civil professional relationship and that's it

Then there are those friends you will lose coz of the choice in spouse that you made, or better yet, you got married & worse were in love....Some people who claim to be your friends won't appreciate that, so you will definitely lose them in the process. Some friends (normally of the opposite sex) stop talking to you coz you got married.....now those are just childish...there is a difference between being respectful & just childish, coz most of the time these friends expect you to ask the question *what's wrong? Why are you different towards me?*, seriously??????????

For me one definition of a friend is "someone I can afford to not communicate with sometimes for a period longer than a year, not because we had a fall out or any bad blood, but because it just happened, but after that year I can still send you an sms & say "hi I'm in town", or I'm by the reception at your office, or say whatever I want to say, without that person giving me a response that goes "hawu, where have you been all this time""....Dude we have lives, you ought to accept that, well a friend ought to accept that. Friendship should be effortless, friends who are always complaining to you, (awusangishayeli ngani, awusangicoceli kutsi (why don't you call me anymore)....... ) you forget we are not 15yrs old anymo, we have lives, you c a boyfriend/spouse can nag, not sure how far boyfriends' rights go, but when a friend starts having boyfriend tendencies it becomes EFFORTFUL (is there such a word?), a big no no no #KnowYourFriends

A friend will not complain about a friend who makes too many posts on FB coz one, you have the "unfriend" or "unfollow" option, then you have the "hide posts" option too, and then you even have the "block" option...All of which you are allowed to use without me knowing that you have enabled them...Now it is not my fault that you don't know how to use FB & as such can't use these options while at the same time, my profile, my rules.......yes I do use those options by the way.

"You didn't tell me you were getting married" is one of the questions some friends ask...my question becomes....is one to release a memo to everyone when they're getting married???? Some say this as a joke, but some actually take it personal that that memo wasn't sent out to them, like dude, of all the things I had to worry about in preparation for my wedding, you expected to be a priority too?????

Then there are those friends who just truly care for you and you them. They understand you, your lifestyle, your hobbies, your shortcomings, your reactions, your background.....They are a true blessing from God and I'm blessed to have friends that do fall under this category. They make life a breeze.....you can always rely on them for anything. Their maturity, their gentleness in addressing you is priceless. God bless these wonderful people ‪#KnowYourFriends